Change of Heart
I’ve been quite a grumpy bear lately. I was depressed, then I was angry, then I was frustrated, then I was murderous, then the cycle repeated again; sometimes within the same hour. One minute I was a sniffle away from bawling my eyes out, next thing you know I’m more than willing to do jail time just for the satisfaction of murdering someone. You could practcally see the raincloud over my head and you sure as hell could hear the thunder and feel the static of the lightning.
Then yesterday, purely by chance, I came across the story of Marlie Casseus and I remembered that though I may be at a bit of a low point in my life, I am still extremely, extremely blessed. I’m relatively healthy, I’ve got an amazing family (albeit far away), I’ve got a comfortable life - I have absolutely no reason to complain. There are billions of people who are sick and starving and dying: my grievances can’t compare.
Marlie Casseus before her operation
The famine in Africa
Of course, knowing that I shouldn’t feel a certain way doesn’t make it any less painful or less real, nor does it necessarily make the feeling go away. Yes, I do have my bipolar tendencies but I’m not that far gone. I can’t just flip a switch and suddenly be sincerely chipper and cheery. Its the old logic versus emotions grid-lock. I know I shouldn’t be upset but no amount of rationalization can completely erase a feeling. I know my problems are miniscule but the resulting emotions are very real to me. I guess its like comparing a paper-cut to other people’ stabs to the chest. The paper-cut is extremely painful and may even draw blood but it is not even remotely fatal. What I can do is lessen the intensity of these feelings. Whenever I feel angry at the situation I’m in I just think of Marlie and of the hand she was delt in life and how she still managed to not only be strong and rise above it but ultimately, to hold her head up high and stand proud. I tell myself that if she can suvive a 21 lbs tumor on her face, I can definitely survive my comparatively petty woes.
Untimately, I remind myself to think of the bigger picture of life.
My mom always says "count your blessings"; I take it one step further and say "When you’re depressed, remember you are blessed."
